Unraveling the Hidden Threads: How Secondary Gains Keep You Stuck

What if the very thing holding you back is something you’ve unconsciously chosen to keep?

It sounds absurd, doesn’t it? That we might cling to what hurts us, not because we want to suffer, but because, somewhere deep inside, we believe that suffering serves us. This is the quiet, unseen force of secondary gains—the subconscious advantages we believe we receive from our limitations.

Healing requires honesty, and honesty demands that we look at ourselves without illusion. So let’s ask the hard question: What do you gain by holding on to what’s keeping you stuck?

For years, I battled relentless breakouts, convinced that if I just found the right dermatologist, the perfect diet, the magic treatment, I’d finally be free. But the breakouts persisted. They became more than a skin condition—they became a mirror reflecting my deepest fears. My family prized beauty. Praise was given for being admired, not for being whole. When my skin betrayed me, my confidence collapsed, and my mother’s carefully laid plans for me started to crumble. But beneath the frustration, the failed treatments, the endless self-criticism, there was something else—a purpose my mind had assigned to this struggle.

Through Ingram’s Path, I uncovered the subconscious logic beneath my suffering. The acne wasn’t just a random misfortune; it was a way to protect, prioritize, and punish myself. It kept me hidden, safe from scrutiny. It ensured I remained nurtured—because when I struggled, my parents paid attention. And it served as self-inflicted punishment for being “too much,” for being favored, for taking up space in ways that made others uncomfortable.

This is how secondary gains work. The subconscious mind, incapable of humor, takes everything at face value. If you tell yourself, “I am unlovable,” it doesn’t question you—it simply finds ways to prove you right. If you believe safety comes from staying small, your subconscious will sabotage every opportunity that asks you to expand. It will whisper caution, create resistance, generate just enough friction to keep you circling in place.

You may think your pain is random. It isn’t. It has a role, a function, a purpose, and intention.

If you struggle with chronic pain, an addiction, an inability to move forward—ask yourself: What part of me believes this is necessary? What does this keep me from facing? What do I gain from staying here?

It is not an easy question. It is not an easy answer. But this is where freedom begins.

In a session, we go deeper. We let your subconscious speak. We uncover why your mind believes you must hold on. We listen—not to judge, but to understand. And then, we rewrite the story. We unlearn. We disrupt the illusion that this suffering is necessary. We replace survival with thriving.

The truth is, the moment you realize you created the pattern, you also realize you have the power to let it go. The subconscious does not argue. It listens. If you give it a better belief—one that actually serves you—it will take it. If you tell it that you are safe, that you do not need to be hidden, that love and attention do not require suffering, it will begin to work in your favor instead of against you.

This is the work. This is the transformation.

And this is your invitation.

Ask yourself:

• What do I fear will happen if I let go of this struggle?

• If my issue had a voice, what would it say its purpose is?

• If I could rewrite the story, what would I tell myself instead?

Healing does not happen in a moment, but it does begin in one.

And that moment can be now.